Veterans Day

I am realizing what a sentimental cry baby I am! On Tuesday (Veterans Day) I went through old pictures of when Jeff came home from Iraq. I sat there smiling and laughing at how tiny and sweet Gentry was, and in between laughs cried thinking about how hard that time was. The night Jeff came home was the most surreal experience I have ever had (even more so than when I had Gentry, I know you women know what I am talking about!) I posted my favorite picture of that night. I think it depicts perfectly what all three of us were thinking...

Jeff: Oh my gosh I have a baby. Look how cute he is, he is like a little toy I can play with all the time. I can't believe I am really home, for good! Man my wife is really hot! (I just added that cause I was hopeful that is what he was thinking:)

Gentry: Who in the world is this guy? It's 4:15 in the morning and I want my mom! How come every night my mom puts me to bed, even when I cry at 7, and now all of a sudden she is keeping me up all night. What is this world coming to? Oh well, at least I still have my binkki!

Ash: I can't believe he's home. It's over, and I don't know exactly how I feel. I wish everyone wasn't starring at us, I feel weird being in front of everyone. He looks so hot in his army outfit! ( I actually was really thinking that!)

It's odd to me that I still can't look at these pictures without crying. In fact a good friend of ours, John Lamb videoed the entire night that Jeff got home and later gave us a copy. To this day, I can't bring myself to watch it. I am not sure if I don't want to feel those feelings, or I am afraid of what I might feel, but I can't hardly relive that time in life, and especially that night without having a little emotional meltdown. (I know, I know, go ahead and tell me I should go to counseling, I am well aware I probably need it, for things beyond Jeff's time in Iraq!) That's what friends are for, to tell you when you have hit your limit and it's time for some counseling sessions!

Anyways, because of my emotions and feelings of our past, we have been going through Veterans Day without really acknowledging it. Each year we get phone calls, emails, and thoughtful gestures from friends and family thanking Jeff for his service, and Gentry and I for our sacrifice, and yet we never talk about it. This year was the first year it started to make me wonder..."hmm, Ash it's been 2 years since Jeff came home, maybe you should begin to deal with those odd little quirks you guys have about his time away!" I guess the first step is acknowledging so we are on the right track!

I think part of our problem is we felt like we should just jump into life and be done since he was home. While that is somewhat true, it is also true that a year and half away from each other, and surprise baby boy in the middle of it affects more aspects of life than I realized. I recently began to realize and admit the person in life that keeps me going is my mom, she was there for everything and has never left me. Whether his fault or not I simply don't completely trust Jeff, because he wasn't there when I felt I needed him the most. (I know, I know, it doesn't make sense, even to me I know its wrong, but truth be told that's how it is!) I also have realized that while I am not convinced I even want anymore children, part of that reason does include my fear of him not being here. Jeff has 2 years left of inactive ready reserve meaning he could possibly be deployed again. I can't bear to think of doing anything else without him.

So there it is, I am just screwed up, and you all know it! Oh well I figure only people who love Jeff and I read our blog so its all good. And besides writing is therapeutic for me, and as you all can tell, I obviously need a little bit of that!