Tears of Life

Tonight I was blind sided with the pain that life brings unexpectedly sometimes.  

Gentry brought a book for me to read to him before bed.  It was the book that Jeff and I had made for him last summer when we found out we were pregnant with our 2nd baby.  We knew our little only child would take the news hard because since he could understand the concept of siblings he has adamantly insisted and reassured us that he NEVER wants one, and instead would like a puppy :)  We made him a book with all of our favorite pictures memories and stories and broke the news to him through the book.  He loved the book until we got to the page that said "Your going to be a big brother!!!"  We waited for his reaction and you could tell the wheels were turning as he was trying to figure out exactly what we meant by that.  I went on to read the page where we talked about what a great big brother he would be at which point I glanced over and the sweetest little tears were silently rolling down his cheeks.  In a very quiet voice he said "No, no, no, I'm just not ready for this"  Tears continued to roll down his cheeks as he sat there quietly.  I put down the book and held him as he softly cried and explained how scared he was to have a sibling because we "will think the baby is cuter than him" and "we won't have enough time to just spend with me anymore".  His fears rolled out as quickly as his tears did.  It was a sweet time to hear what his little heart was feeling.  I think oftentimes as parents we quickly dismiss kids reactions to life's circumstances because we don't want to take the time to really hear them, and instead jump to teaching them a lesson without even understanding where they are coming from. We are to busy to sit and let our kids be kids.  Or sometimes we forget that they are children that process, understand, and comprehend life without the the knowledge that comes with growing up.  What I meant to say when I wrote we parents was I.  How could my sweet 6 year old only child even begin to comprehend that having a sibling would actually be a great adventure??  If I was in shoes, I would think the same thing!!      His response was sweet not demanding, it was like his little heart was broken not angry, and I loved being able to hold him as his naive tears rolled down his cheeks and he talked about all his fears.  As a mom (and a counselor) any opportunity to hear what is on your child's heart is truly a blessing.  I pray for more sweet times like this as Gentry grows up.

I love that Jeff captured this moment.  I will forever cherish the times you share your heart with me G, even if it's hard to hear.

Sadly that night after we told Gentry our exciting news.  I started to have a miscarriage.  As any mom who has been in my shoes knows, it's just a flood of emotions.  Mostly I just felt so disappointed.  If you know how hard it is for me to make decisions at the grocery store then you will understand how hard it was for me to actually decide to have another baby.  With Gentry, there was no discussion, God just blessed us with him, but with the second one we had to decide when the time was right, if it would ever be right.  For so long I wasn't sure I even wanted another kid, and it just never was right.  I wanted to finish undergrad, get my masters in counseling, run a marathon, be in one of my best friends wedding, get a job I love, time it where I had a baby in the fall, and on and on.  There was always something.  I can't tell you the hundreds of times people have asked me, "when are you going to have another baby?"  The truth is if God wanted me to have another, I would have had another.  I have less control than I like to think I do.

We took this picture the weekend before we told Gentry we were pregnant.  We went to see Zac Brown Band in Wyoming with our best buds Nikki and Adam.  It was such a fun trip,  I remember Jeff jokingly saying how I was already glowing.  Funny how those little memories stick with you and strike an emotional cord when you are reminded of them.

I was sad and instantly began to question the timing of having another baby or if we should.  It felt like I had taken the scary leap that I had been contemplating for so many years, only to hit a brick wall head on.  At the time, I didn't completely fall apart.  Life had to go on.  Other women deal with the same  disappointment every day.  Not many people knew since I was only 8 weeks along, so it just felt like we could be sad for a little bit and then we needed to go on.  We also had to explain to Gentry which was sad and also sweet.  His exact words were "Oh...well that's really sad! Hmm...I guess that baby just didn't want to come out of your stomach and wanted to go to Heaven instead.  Well I guess we better not have another one, I don't think any of us are ready!"  :)

A couple of weeks ago, I again turned up pregnant after much consideration over the last 7 months :)  Although shortly after finding out I again miscarried.  It was right as Jeff's grandpa died and he was leaving for the States, so again it kinda just felt like life had to go on.  I wasn't as far along as last time and again I went through my mental checklist of realities: many women have been here and dealt with the same pain, it's not God's timing, it's better since something was wrong with the baby, blah blah blah, yada yada yada.  There was no one to tell since we hadn't told anyone yet, so no damage control on that end.  In all reality I felt like I did a pretty good job handling it and not making it a big deal since Jeff needed to be with his family and the timing just simply sucked.  At the end of the day there truly is nothing I can do.

Fast forward back to me reading the book to G tonight.  As I read the book.  I was of course reminded of how excited I was to tell G he was going to be a big brother.  I was reminded of the pure joy that raising Gentry has brought to my life.  I was reminded of all the reasons why I absolutely love being a mom.  The pictures of G growing up brought tears to my eyes, and the joy I could hear in my own writing the book to him reminded me of how excited I was to do this whole thing over again.  I was reminded that I would have a new born baby right now, or be about 7 weeks pregnant again.  I was reminded of how much I adore Gentry.  I love him, I love this, I love being a mom.  My walk down memory lane was interrupted as I heard a little sniffle coming from G.  When I looked over he was facing away from me leaning on Molly and it was fairly obvious he was crying.  Just as I had the first time I read him the book, I again stopped just after I read the part "Your going to be a big brother!!!"  and asked him to come and sit with me and tell me what's wrong.

At first he assured Jeff and I that when Molly licked his hand, it just tickled him which made him cry.  For some odd reason we didn't believe him :)  Eventually we got him to open up and although he had calmed his tears while trying to explain them away, they quickly came back rolling down his cheeks.  He said "It's just sad when someone dies.  It's sad that the baby died in your tummy, it's sad that Little Swanie died, it's just really sad.  I'm not saying I think we should have a baby but I feel really sad that the baby died and that people die sometimes"  As much memories as the book flooded my mind with, it obviously had flooded his memory also, coupled with the fact that Little Swanie just passed away.  I was taken back and a little shocked at his response.  I wasn't expecting that from him, and it struck the mom nerve in me that I have been so good at masking surrounding the whole issue of having more kids.  Thankfully Jeff took over, cause after Gentry started sharing what he was feeling, the steady stream of tears flowed from my eyes regardless of how hard I tried to put on a brave face.  Both boys were sweet.  G cuddled up and continued to talk and Jeff rubbed my back.  Eventually Jeff took G and put him to bed, as I sat on the couch and just let the tears fall in silence.

At this point I don't feel the need to rehash everything.  I don't feel discouraged like I will never have another biological kid, I just feel sad and disappointed.  I feel like being Gentry's mom has been one of the greatest adventures of my life, and I would love to do it all over again.  I also feel blessed.  How great that I have you Gentry, how sweet our journey has been together, and man I just love you sweet boy.  I will never feel cheated from getting to be a mom, because I have you, and yet I would welcome the opportunity to do it all again, because I have you.  It's just one of those things in life I have no control over and may never quite understand.  I feel a peace about where we are and what God is doing.  I love our life in Costa Rica, I love that He has set before me an opportunity to work with a cause that I have always been passionate about, I love that I'm learning to surf, and I truly love my life.  Maybe someday I will get to love a new little one too!  Until then I might cry more tears of life, but in between the tears will find peace in the fact God has blessed me with an amazing life, more specifically an amazing kiddo.

I feel so blessed that you call me mom and/or madre :)